Its just been one of those days

I’ve had a terrible day. My day was ruined by someone who I have never even met in my life but who nonetheless took it upon themselves to ruin an amazing opportunity for me. I wanted to cry and scream and just run away. I wanted to cut. I wanted to binge. I just wanted to lose control. It felt like nobody was on my side. Like nobody could possibly understand. Its silly how someone who I don’t even know can set me off like this. I don’t know why I care so much about what one person thinks. I even tried to tell myself that it doesn’t matter what they think because I know who I am and that I am not the person that they think I am. But it didn’t help. I just kept thinking that if they think I’m that terrible then there must be something wrong and if one thing is wrong then why not just completely let go? I went to McDonalds and had a nice big binge followed by the predictable feelings of being fat. But that didn’t matter because then I got home and ate cupcakes and cinnamon roles and pop. I went to the mall and spent money that I should not have spent on clothes and jewelry that I did not need. I bought the clothes in a size bigger than I needed to because I feel so fat and I’m gaining weight so much that I may as well prepare for the inevitable, right?
Now I’m home and I feel terrible. I just feel like nothing is going right. Its just been one of those days. I’m also reminded of the fact that the one person who I trusted with all of my secrets is not here to support me anymore. The one person I thought would be here for me is not here. I pretty much have nobody to turn to. Nobody asks how I’m doing. Nobody asks me if I need to talk. I just feel so alone.
Sometimes I really wish I could be one of those carefree people who don’t worry about anything. But its not who I am I guess.. I just really want to get to that point in my life where people are in it for the long haul, not just a passing phase. I want someone to be there for me forever. But I guess forever doesn’t exist.

Shopping is a nightmare when you have an eating disorder

I just got home from the mall and I’m so frustrated. Two months ago I fit into a small. Now I can’t even fit into a medium. I found this skirt that I absolutely LOVED and that I’ve been looking for for months. Of course I get into the change room and the medium wouldn’t even come close to fitting me. There was no way the zipper was going to go up.

The weight gain sucks. People think that eating disorders are only characterized by weight loss. Truth is the worst part of the illness is the psychological side of it when you gain weight and it basically makes you feel worthless. My whole life revolves around my weight. And now that I’ve gained weight I feel horrible about myself.

The stupid part is that I see other girls who weigh more than me and I can see how beautiful they are. But I can’t see that in myself. All I see is the lumps and bumps.

So my shopping trip basically consisted of me trying to find clothes that were loose fitting to hide all of the problem areas.

Not fun to say the least.

Too bad I couldn’t keep the weight off…

Eating Disorder Update

Hey everyone! Sorry its been so long since I updated you all on my eating disorder. As of yesterday, my doctor is “extremely happy” with my weight from a medical perspective. Unfortunately, I can’t say the same. I want to lose every single pound that I’ve gained back. I hate my body. None of my pants fit me anymore. None of my shorts fit me anymore. Basically the only thing that fits me is my yoga shorts. And I refuse to go shopping to buy bigger clothes. I swore when I got rid of all my bigger clothes that I would not be returning to that size and I’m not going back on my word.

My doctor also wants me to enter an outpatient program for people with eating disorders but I told him I’m not interested. We made a deal that if I get worse before I see him again in October then I would reconsider my decision, but seeing as how I gained weight back he was okay with me not going right away.

Other than that theres not much else to report in terms of my eating disorder. Still not recovered. Still not happy. Still not skinny. The end.

I need your help

Hello readers!
I usually wouldn’t consider doing something like this, but my education is really important to me so I am willing to give this a shot in order to make it happen. I have started a campaign on GoFundMe in order to raise money for my tuition and to escape my current unhealthy living environment.

I have recently decided that i really want to recover, but after talking to my family doctor and my psychologist, I have come to realize that it will be nearly impossible to recover while living with my abuser. As a result, I need to find a way to move out which will cost a lot of money. So here goes.

If you are interested in donating to my education, I would be so grateful to you for your support. Simply follow the link: to donate.

If you are unable to donate, I would be so happy if you could share this via social media in order to spread the word about my campaign. Thank you so much!!

Family reunions are just so great when everyone thinks you’re a heartless bitch…or not

Family reunions are just so great when everyone thinks you’re a heartless bitch…or not.
This past weekend involved an extremely long car ride to go visit family members who I haven’t seen in a really long time. It was good, friendly conversation until the inevitable came up… “so how is your brother”? “Do you talk to him”? “But he lives in the same house, isn’t that awkward”? “Were you ever close”?
With every question my relatives seemed to almost turn on me in a not so subliminal way. It was like they pitied by brother for what I’m putting him through. They think they understand why I don’t want anything to do with him. They think that they know the whole story. But they really have no idea. And its not like I could tell them even if I wanted to—which I don’t—because talking about abuse at a family reunion just doesn’t seem appropriate.
So instead I just have to deal with the raised eyebrows and disapproving looks that I get from everyone. Its like suddenly I become a horrible heartless person for not just forgetting everything he has ever done, when in reality they don’t even know everything he has done. They don’t even know the half of it.
So even when he isn’t around he finds a way to ruin my day. I hate it. I hate him.