The important question: Do you like you?

I saw this video today and I was absolutely astonished by the message. It seems like such a straight forward message, but at the same time, my own body image got so bad that I developed bulimia. It really made me stop and think when I heard the lyrics “Why should you care, what they think of you? When you’re all alone, by yourself, do you like you? Do you like you?” because honestly the answer is no. I don’t like my appearance, I don’t like that I have an eating disorder, I don’t like that I have PTSD, I don’t like a lot of things about myself. This song really made me stop and think about how hard I am on myself. Why should I define myself by the standards of beauty of a corrupt society? Why should I care what strangers think of me? Why should I sacrifice my health for the perpetuation of an unrealistic standard of beauty?

I really like the message in this song because it inspired me to question the ways that I see myself. I still don’t like my appearance, there’s no doubt about that. But it would be unrealistic for a song to just completely change how I see myself. Instead, this song made me stop and think about WHY I don’t like these parts of myself. It was definitely an eye opener and it might help others who are struggling with body dissatisfaction and eating disorders.

xo

Ayla

Demi changed my life

As if I needed one more reason to love Demi Lovato, this interview has completely inspired me. I would love to say that I am now dedicated to recovery, but this isn’t the case. On the contrary, this interview with Demi has helped me recognize that I AM sick, that I DO have a legitimate disorder, and that it is okay to have my struggles.

Demi’s openness and honesty about her struggles over the years has been a constant reminder that I can get better and that one day I will be okay. It might not be today, but someday I will get better. Someday I will beat this horrible disease.

My struggles with bulimia have left me feeling outcast, isolated, and worthless. I felt as if I did not deserve happiness. I felt like nobody truly understood who I was and who I am as a person. I have struggled with internally-directed anger as a result of feeling so alone due to my own self-inflicted isolation. I can’t let anyone in without risking a loss of control or some form of intervention, but I can’t truly be happy until I recover.

I have often felt lost and listless, as if I am simply going through the motions of life without truly living. I have convinced myself that I will only be worthy of love if I lose more weight. After all, how could someone possibly look past the horrible flaws in my appearance to see what lies beneath? And even if they did, would anyone want to love someone who is so clearly self-destructive?

These are the kinds of thoughts that have driven me time and time again to restrict my food intake to the point of starvation until I finally felt so hopeless that I would throw myself into a binge only to feel disgusting and force myself to purge soon after. It’s a cycle that I find myself unable to break. It’s a cycle that I felt alone in until hearing Demi’s story. Demi has opened my eyes to the fact that I am not alone and that it IS possible to move past this. Even though I am not ready for recovery yet, it is still comforting to know that all is not lost.

I know that recovery may be an even greater struggle than even the eating disorder itself, but one day I hope that I will find the strength to heal.

Demi, if you ever read this, thank you so much for sharing your story. You have no idea how much it has meant to me to have someone I can look up to who can always make me feel less alone. Even though I have never met you, I feel like you know me better than most of the people in my life. You understand my struggles because you have been through them yourself. You are more than just a celebrity to me, you are a role-model. You are a beautiful person inside and out and I am so grateful that you have shared your story with the world.

Stay strong.

Xo

Ayla

Its just been one of those days

I’ve had a terrible day. My day was ruined by someone who I have never even met in my life but who nonetheless took it upon themselves to ruin an amazing opportunity for me. I wanted to cry and scream and just run away. I wanted to cut. I wanted to binge. I just wanted to lose control. It felt like nobody was on my side. Like nobody could possibly understand. Its silly how someone who I don’t even know can set me off like this. I don’t know why I care so much about what one person thinks. I even tried to tell myself that it doesn’t matter what they think because I know who I am and that I am not the person that they think I am. But it didn’t help. I just kept thinking that if they think I’m that terrible then there must be something wrong and if one thing is wrong then why not just completely let go? I went to McDonalds and had a nice big binge followed by the predictable feelings of being fat. But that didn’t matter because then I got home and ate cupcakes and cinnamon roles and pop. I went to the mall and spent money that I should not have spent on clothes and jewelry that I did not need. I bought the clothes in a size bigger than I needed to because I feel so fat and I’m gaining weight so much that I may as well prepare for the inevitable, right?
Now I’m home and I feel terrible. I just feel like nothing is going right. Its just been one of those days. I’m also reminded of the fact that the one person who I trusted with all of my secrets is not here to support me anymore. The one person I thought would be here for me is not here. I pretty much have nobody to turn to. Nobody asks how I’m doing. Nobody asks me if I need to talk. I just feel so alone.
Sometimes I really wish I could be one of those carefree people who don’t worry about anything. But its not who I am I guess.. I just really want to get to that point in my life where people are in it for the long haul, not just a passing phase. I want someone to be there for me forever. But I guess forever doesn’t exist.

Shopping is a nightmare when you have an eating disorder


I just got home from the mall and I’m so frustrated. Two months ago I fit into a small. Now I can’t even fit into a medium. I found this skirt that I absolutely LOVED and that I’ve been looking for for months. Of course I get into the change room and the medium wouldn’t even come close to fitting me. There was no way the zipper was going to go up.

The weight gain sucks. People think that eating disorders are only characterized by weight loss. Truth is the worst part of the illness is the psychological side of it when you gain weight and it basically makes you feel worthless. My whole life revolves around my weight. And now that I’ve gained weight I feel horrible about myself.

The stupid part is that I see other girls who weigh more than me and I can see how beautiful they are. But I can’t see that in myself. All I see is the lumps and bumps.

So my shopping trip basically consisted of me trying to find clothes that were loose fitting to hide all of the problem areas.

Not fun to say the least.

Too bad I couldn’t keep the weight off…

Eating Disorder Update

Hey everyone! Sorry its been so long since I updated you all on my eating disorder. As of yesterday, my doctor is “extremely happy” with my weight from a medical perspective. Unfortunately, I can’t say the same. I want to lose every single pound that I’ve gained back. I hate my body. None of my pants fit me anymore. None of my shorts fit me anymore. Basically the only thing that fits me is my yoga shorts. And I refuse to go shopping to buy bigger clothes. I swore when I got rid of all my bigger clothes that I would not be returning to that size and I’m not going back on my word.

My doctor also wants me to enter an outpatient program for people with eating disorders but I told him I’m not interested. We made a deal that if I get worse before I see him again in October then I would reconsider my decision, but seeing as how I gained weight back he was okay with me not going right away.

Other than that theres not much else to report in terms of my eating disorder. Still not recovered. Still not happy. Still not skinny. The end.

I need your help

Hello readers!
I usually wouldn’t consider doing something like this, but my education is really important to me so I am willing to give this a shot in order to make it happen. I have started a campaign on GoFundMe in order to raise money for my tuition and to escape my current unhealthy living environment.

I have recently decided that i really want to recover, but after talking to my family doctor and my psychologist, I have come to realize that it will be nearly impossible to recover while living with my abuser. As a result, I need to find a way to move out which will cost a lot of money. So here goes.

If you are interested in donating to my education, I would be so grateful to you for your support. Simply follow the link: http://www.gofundme.com/bojnhg to donate.

If you are unable to donate, I would be so happy if you could share this via social media in order to spread the word about my campaign. Thank you so much!!