Falling Apart

Falling Apart

In the beginning I felt so in control. I felt empowered. Every time I stepped on the scale and saw the number drop it was like I was FINALLY doing something right. Even though every other aspect of my life was falling apart, I could still control something. That’s all I wanted: control. But now I’ve lost that too.
I’m so out of control. I’ve lost sight of who I was before my eating disorder. I used to be so happy. Now I feel like I’m on the verge of a meltdown 90% of the time. I push people away when I need them the most because I don’t want to drag them down with me. I feel like nobody really knows me at all. Everyone thinks I’m fine. Everyone thinks I have everything together and that I can handle the pressure. If they only knew the real me.
It’s a really lonely place to be in. Nobody understands and that is frustrating. But its not fair for me to expect them to understand if I don’t let them in. But I can’t do that either. Every time I try to tell someone my eating disorder screams at me to stop. It tells me that if I ask for help I will only face even more problems. It tells me that everyone will reject me and that my control will be completely gone. I know that I should stop, but the fear is so engrained in my mind that I can’t even begin to try to get better.
I don’t know how to do it on my own, but I also don’t want to ask for help. Part of me just doesn’t even want to get better. I feel like I’m falling apart and I know that the eating disorder is only making that feeling worse, but it’s the only control I have. I don’t know who I am anymore and that scares me. I’ve lost myself and I don’t know how to find myself again. It sounds so cliché but its exactly how I feel.
I’m falling apart and I don’t want to admit that I need someone to help me pick up the pieces and put myself back together.
I just want to be happy again.

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“I’m disappointed in you”

Recently, I was having an argument with someone who I consider to be one of my best friends. It was not a serious argument, it was just a difference of opinion; or so I thought. At one point he said he was disappointed in me for the claim that I was arguing. I feel like this was a bit extreme for the circumstances, but what bothered me most is the underlying message that I got from his statement. When someone tells me that they are disappointed in me, it is perhaps one of the most powerful messages anyone could send to me. Not only does this make me feel like I somehow did them wrong, it also makes me feel like I didn’t live up to their expectations. This is somewhat troubling for me because a few weeks prior to this conversation I had confided in this friend that I had been dealing with a lot of pressure from everyone and that I felt like everyone expected me to be perfect. He made me feel better by saying that he didn’t expect me to be anything other than myself. But now I have to wonder how true that statement was. Because if he is disappointed in me, that means that he had to have had some expectations of me to begin with. I clearly did not meet these expectations or he would not be disappointed. So now I am back to feeling like everyone expects me to be something or someone that I am not.

The other thing that bothered me about him saying he was disappointed in me is that he really has no right to be. First of all, it was not as if I had done something terribly wrong, so the comment was totally unwarranted. But in addition to this, I don’t think it is right for anyone who is not my parents to tell me that they are disappointed in me. It just really bothers me. I feel like people are trying to manipulate me when they say that which drives me crazy. I just want to break away from all of the stress and pressure that I’m feeling but I have nowhere to turn. Even the people who I thought I could trust have only made me feel worse.

Don’t You Think Nineteen’s Too Young?

This is an amazing interpretation of this song. I never made the connection of Dear John to my eating disorder but this post has definitely added a new found meaning to one of my favorite songs. ❤

Stay Fearless

Dear John - Taylor Swift

As we have all clearly read, post after post, I clearly have this slight obsession with Taylor Swift songs. Today’s post is no different than others. Here we are again talking about a sad Taylor song; this time its Dear John.

As I was listening to the song yesterday on the way home (after I had one of my worst days). I’ve always thought this song  was one of her saddest but also one of the best written. As the song went on I started to relate the “John” in the song to my own personal struggle, Ed. Everything she was saying about how he made her feel, or how he tore her self-esteem down or made her feel insignificant was everything that is currently happening to me.

dear john - taylor swift

That lyric in particular rings true to me. Ed really does “paint me a blue sky” and then go back and change…

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Find strength in words

Sometimes when I’m really upset I listen to music about related issues because it makes me feel like I’m not alone, like even though none of my friends or family know whats going on, at least someone in the world understands what its like.
I was on YouTube yesterday and this video was recommended for me and it describes how I feel so well.
In the song she sings “no one can see the real me when I cannot stand to see myself”. This is exactly how I feel. Its like I don’t even know who I am anymore. I’ve lost myself in my eating disorder. I’ve lost myself in all the hurt that I feel. I’ve become numb to everything and I don’t want to let people in because I don’t want them to see who I have become. I’m not the same happy girl I used to be, and it scares me to let anyone see the person I am now because I hate it.
She also sings “there’s no need to be searching for perfection, it don’t exist as you’ve imagined”. This is something that I’ve been doing since I was a little girl. I’ve always wanted to be perfect. They say perfectionism is one trait which is strongly linked to eating disorders and I definitely have to agree. But its not just my own expectations for myself, its everyone else as well. I feel like everyone expects me to be something I’m not. Everyone has there own idea of who I should be and how I should act. Unfortunately, nothing I do ever seems to be good enough. So I guess perfection really doesn’t exist. Maybe its time to stop chasing it.
Haley Klinkhammer also does a really good job of expressing the desperation that I feel to break free of everything. She says “I’m crying out, give me some direction. I’m running now with open arms and seeking eyes. And no more will I be a statue on display for them to see the less than perfect parts of me, I’m breaking free”. This lyric reminds me of how much I want someone to be there for me and support me. It’s like the things I’m doing are a way of crying out for help but nobody can see it.
All that’s left for me to do is to break free of “the less than perfect parts of me”. But this is the hardest part. I don’t know how I’m going to do it, but I have to find a way.

Today was really hard

Today was really hard. I finally told my doctor that I think I have an eating disorder. I’ve been worried about the appointment for weeks now because I was afraid my doctor would freak out and make me get a bunch of tests done but it wasn’t that bad. It was really hard for me to talk about everything openly because I’ve been doing everything I can to hide it for so long. But I think I made the right decision. Even if I’m not ready to change yet, its good to finally have it off my chest. I thought for sure my doctor would pressure me to go to a psychologist or something but he didn’t even mention it. 

I’m still really scared for what is going to happen in the future now that my doctor knows, and I’m really tempted to try to make it seem like I’m getting better at my next appointment, but I’m going to try to fight this. 

I still couldn’t find the strength to tell my closest friends, but I will get there in time. 

One step at a time. 

I’m so torn

I’m so torn between telling my close friends what is going on so that I feel less alone or continuing to keep the secret so that they wont try to stop me. I know that if I tell them they will try to talk me into recovering and eating but I don’t want to.  I feel like it would be unfair to tell them when I have no intention of changing anytime soon. If it was me I would want to know, but at the same time it would kill me to see a friend hurting themselves. So I don’t know what to do. On the one hand I could tell them and have extra support and then I wouldn’t feel so anxious, stressed, and lonely which could result in me wanting to get better. But on the other hand if I tell them then they would pressure me to eat and to get better which would only make me resist it more because I want to be in control.

Its such  a hard decision to make. I’m desperate for support but I feel threatened by the thought of having my eating disorder taken away. Its been a part of me for so long that I can’t even imagine what it would be like to eat normally without worrying about food all the time and feeling guilty every time I eat.

I like the feeling of being in control even though I know I lost control a long time ago. I don’t want to give it up because its the only thing I have that nobody else can control.

Only one person knows about my disorder at this point and she has sworn not to tell anyone. She told me that it is my choice but that I need to fight. Nobody else has any idea, or at least I don’t think they do. I’m not exactly emaciated which is what most people would expect from someone with an eating disorder. The fact that I am actually a “normal” weight is actually probably the only reason why nobody has clued in yet. But I’m determined to lose more weight so I don’t know how much longer I can keep it a secret. And its better for my friends to hear it from me now than to find out for themselves in the future right?

I need help with this decision but there really is nobody I can turn to for guidance.

Some people are so insensitive…

Some people are so insensitive...

Today I was talking to a co-worker who told me that she was anorexic… for a month. Ummm, that’s not possible. I’m sorry, but I absolutely HATE it when people claim that they had an eating disorder when they were really just on a diet. She claimed that she fasted for a few weeks. And okay, I get that its not normal to do that and that it could probably be classified as disordered eating, but that is NOT anorexia. To be diagnosed with anorexia you have to fit into a very specific set of criteria including the loss of menstruation, being underweight, and dangerously restricting food intake, to name only a few. Anorexia is so much more than just restricting calories for a month. It makes me really mad when people claim that they had the illness when they did not actually have the disorder. I feel like making a claim such as “I had anorexia for a month” is extremely disrespectful to individuals who are actually extremely ill. I hate when people say things like this because it devalues the serious nature of the illness. As someone who has been restricting calories for over a year now and who is not classified as anorexic, I take offense to this statement.
Not only did she not have any idea what it really means to be anorexic, she had never even heard of EDNOS which is the most common eating disorder in the world. This girl was clearly clueless as to what it actually means to have an eating disorder. This is a classic case of someone who is actually using an eating disorder to get attention. Eating disorders do not just come and go in a month. They are long lasting mental illnesses. To claim that you had anorexia for a month is extremely degrading for individuals who actually suffer from the illness.
So to all those people out there who are making statements like this, show a little respect.
Sincerely,
A girl who ACTUALLY has an eating disorder.

Dispelling the Myths for Eating Disorder Awareness Week

UoB DAMSA

February – 2nd March 2014 marks this year’s Eating Disorder Awareness Week. DAMSA pledges to end stigma and prejudice around mental illness – something that is particular pertinent with eating disorders. I am a DAMSA committee member with experience of an eating disorder, and I have decided to address some common misconceptions. Remember to take care if you might find this topic triggering.

“You don’t look like you have an eating disorder!”

Disproportionate attention is given to those who appear emaciated, often as a result of Anorexia Nervosa or Bulimia Nervosa.  The majority of people with eating disorders fit less neatly into a box, and may be diagnosed with EDNOS (Eating Disorder Not Otherwise Specified). You cannot tell if somebody has an eating disorder by their weight, nor can you tell the severity of their condition. Weight loss and gain are consequences of eating disorders – they are not…

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I haven’t won my fight yet, but I will.

     I am a soldier in the war against my eating disorder. It is a battle that has been going on for years. I didn’t realize what I was facing until only recently. But now that I know what I am up against, I am prepared to not only fight, but win my battle against my eating disorder. 

     They say the first step to recovering is recognizing that there is a problem. I have done this. I have also taken the next step and decided to seek help from a medical professional. I have an appointment in four days and I am terrified. I am scared because I do not want to be labeled. I am scared because I do not want to change but I know deep down that I have to if I want to be happy. But most of all I am afraid of the unknown. I don’t know what will happen once I tell my doctor that I have an eating disorder. But I know that it is the only way to get better. Its the only way to win this fight so I am going to look past the fears in the hopes that one day I can recover and be happy. 

      I haven’t won my fight yet, but I will.