In the beginning I felt so in control. I felt empowered. Every time I stepped on the scale and saw the number drop it was like I was FINALLY doing something right. Even though every other aspect of my life was falling apart, I could still control something. That’s all I wanted: control. But now I’ve lost that too.
I’m so out of control. I’ve lost sight of who I was before my eating disorder. I used to be so happy. Now I feel like I’m on the verge of a meltdown 90% of the time. I push people away when I need them the most because I don’t want to drag them down with me. I feel like nobody really knows me at all. Everyone thinks I’m fine. Everyone thinks I have everything together and that I can handle the pressure. If they only knew the real me.
It’s a really lonely place to be in. Nobody understands and that is frustrating. But its not fair for me to expect them to understand if I don’t let them in. But I can’t do that either. Every time I try to tell someone my eating disorder screams at me to stop. It tells me that if I ask for help I will only face even more problems. It tells me that everyone will reject me and that my control will be completely gone. I know that I should stop, but the fear is so engrained in my mind that I can’t even begin to try to get better.
I don’t know how to do it on my own, but I also don’t want to ask for help. Part of me just doesn’t even want to get better. I feel like I’m falling apart and I know that the eating disorder is only making that feeling worse, but it’s the only control I have. I don’t know who I am anymore and that scares me. I’ve lost myself and I don’t know how to find myself again. It sounds so cliché but its exactly how I feel.
I’m falling apart and I don’t want to admit that I need someone to help me pick up the pieces and put myself back together.
I just want to be happy again.