I’m so torn

I’m so torn between telling my close friends what is going on so that I feel less alone or continuing to keep the secret so that they wont try to stop me. I know that if I tell them they will try to talk me into recovering and eating but I don’t want to.  I feel like it would be unfair to tell them when I have no intention of changing anytime soon. If it was me I would want to know, but at the same time it would kill me to see a friend hurting themselves. So I don’t know what to do. On the one hand I could tell them and have extra support and then I wouldn’t feel so anxious, stressed, and lonely which could result in me wanting to get better. But on the other hand if I tell them then they would pressure me to eat and to get better which would only make me resist it more because I want to be in control.

Its such  a hard decision to make. I’m desperate for support but I feel threatened by the thought of having my eating disorder taken away. Its been a part of me for so long that I can’t even imagine what it would be like to eat normally without worrying about food all the time and feeling guilty every time I eat.

I like the feeling of being in control even though I know I lost control a long time ago. I don’t want to give it up because its the only thing I have that nobody else can control.

Only one person knows about my disorder at this point and she has sworn not to tell anyone. She told me that it is my choice but that I need to fight. Nobody else has any idea, or at least I don’t think they do. I’m not exactly emaciated which is what most people would expect from someone with an eating disorder. The fact that I am actually a “normal” weight is actually probably the only reason why nobody has clued in yet. But I’m determined to lose more weight so I don’t know how much longer I can keep it a secret. And its better for my friends to hear it from me now than to find out for themselves in the future right?

I need help with this decision but there really is nobody I can turn to for guidance.

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