Find strength in words

Sometimes when I’m really upset I listen to music about related issues because it makes me feel like I’m not alone, like even though none of my friends or family know whats going on, at least someone in the world understands what its like.
I was on YouTube yesterday and this video was recommended for me and it describes how I feel so well.
In the song she sings “no one can see the real me when I cannot stand to see myself”. This is exactly how I feel. Its like I don’t even know who I am anymore. I’ve lost myself in my eating disorder. I’ve lost myself in all the hurt that I feel. I’ve become numb to everything and I don’t want to let people in because I don’t want them to see who I have become. I’m not the same happy girl I used to be, and it scares me to let anyone see the person I am now because I hate it.
She also sings “there’s no need to be searching for perfection, it don’t exist as you’ve imagined”. This is something that I’ve been doing since I was a little girl. I’ve always wanted to be perfect. They say perfectionism is one trait which is strongly linked to eating disorders and I definitely have to agree. But its not just my own expectations for myself, its everyone else as well. I feel like everyone expects me to be something I’m not. Everyone has there own idea of who I should be and how I should act. Unfortunately, nothing I do ever seems to be good enough. So I guess perfection really doesn’t exist. Maybe its time to stop chasing it.
Haley Klinkhammer also does a really good job of expressing the desperation that I feel to break free of everything. She says “I’m crying out, give me some direction. I’m running now with open arms and seeking eyes. And no more will I be a statue on display for them to see the less than perfect parts of me, I’m breaking free”. This lyric reminds me of how much I want someone to be there for me and support me. It’s like the things I’m doing are a way of crying out for help but nobody can see it.
All that’s left for me to do is to break free of “the less than perfect parts of me”. But this is the hardest part. I don’t know how I’m going to do it, but I have to find a way.


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