Falling Apart

Falling Apart

In the beginning I felt so in control. I felt empowered. Every time I stepped on the scale and saw the number drop it was like I was FINALLY doing something right. Even though every other aspect of my life was falling apart, I could still control something. That’s all I wanted: control. But now I’ve lost that too.
I’m so out of control. I’ve lost sight of who I was before my eating disorder. I used to be so happy. Now I feel like I’m on the verge of a meltdown 90% of the time. I push people away when I need them the most because I don’t want to drag them down with me. I feel like nobody really knows me at all. Everyone thinks I’m fine. Everyone thinks I have everything together and that I can handle the pressure. If they only knew the real me.
It’s a really lonely place to be in. Nobody understands and that is frustrating. But its not fair for me to expect them to understand if I don’t let them in. But I can’t do that either. Every time I try to tell someone my eating disorder screams at me to stop. It tells me that if I ask for help I will only face even more problems. It tells me that everyone will reject me and that my control will be completely gone. I know that I should stop, but the fear is so engrained in my mind that I can’t even begin to try to get better.
I don’t know how to do it on my own, but I also don’t want to ask for help. Part of me just doesn’t even want to get better. I feel like I’m falling apart and I know that the eating disorder is only making that feeling worse, but it’s the only control I have. I don’t know who I am anymore and that scares me. I’ve lost myself and I don’t know how to find myself again. It sounds so cliché but its exactly how I feel.
I’m falling apart and I don’t want to admit that I need someone to help me pick up the pieces and put myself back together.
I just want to be happy again.

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14 thoughts on “Falling Apart

  1. Pirouettes & Lighthouses says:

    Hey hey I don’t know you but it’s alright to break down once in a while. I understand what you mean about your ED and all bcos I’m gg through the same thing so please try to stay strong alright? I’ll be here if you need anyone to talk to. be strong love~ /hugs/ xx

      • Pirouettes & Lighthouses says:

        ahh it’s alright then 🙂 just keep on fighting alright. Have you been diagnosed for your ED yet? I’m considering seeking professional help but idk if it’s that serious

      • for3v3rchanging says:

        I’ve been diagnosed with ednos. I have to go back to my doctor monthly now to be monitored. I would recommend seeking help. The whole nature of an eating disorder is that you never really think your that sick. Telling my doctor was one of the hardest things I’ve ever done because I thought he would force me to change but it hasn’t been that bad.

      • Pirouettes & Lighthouses says:

        but the thing is, my close friends have been telling me that my behaviors (restricting & attempts to purge) are signs of ED but I haven’t lose like a lot of weight or anything

      • for3v3rchanging says:

        That’s actually pretty normal. I haven’t lost any weight in over a month. Just because your not losing weight doesn’t mean you don’t have an ED. Any time you purge PR restrict it’s considered disordered eating. I thought the sane thing as you for a long time. I didn’t think my doctor would believe me because I’m not super skinny but its still a disorder. I think your friends are right. You’ll know when your ready to get help though. Other people can’t make you do it. You will only get better if you want to. I’m learning that the hard way right now.

      • Pirouettes & Lighthouses says:

        I see, well, do keep on staying strong love~ and I’m sorry for bothering you! ><

      • Pirouettes & Lighthouses says:

        I’m not really capable of that tho, I feel like such a hypocrite sometimes, another thing to add to my list of why I’m a crappy person, I tell other to stay strong but yet I just struggle every day and I don’t even want to carry on anymore

      • for3v3rchanging says:

        I know the feeling and I wanna say it’s gonna get better but nobody really knows right? And I also know what you mean about feeling like a hypocrite because I feel that as well. Just don’t give up. You deserve better Hun.

  2. Bronii Gigliuto says:

    Eating disorders are all about the mind having control over you but they can never have control over who you really are. You aren’t your body or your mind and your soul is what’s screaming out from within you to ask for help. Meditation is really helpful when trying to calm the mind. Your ego will make up a million excuses why you shouldn’t do it but if you pretend to put it in a box for a little while and quieten your mind for long enough, you will start to hear the real you revealing your own life puzzle. Sending you lots of love. Happy to chat if you would like to.
    Bronii

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