Finding Happiness

This is going to sound so cliche, but I’ve finally found my “key to happiness” so to speak. I’ve recently discovered that I am a lot happier when I stop caring about what other people want for me and focus on what I want for myself. A lot of my unhealthy behaviors (ie. eating disorder, cutting, etc.) have been an attempt to control something, ANYTHING, in my life. I’ve always been the kind of person that leans on other people such as my friends and family for support, but over the last year I have been wanting to become more independent. Rather than continuing to do things that I know will keep other people happy at the expense of my own happiness, I’ve decided to do what is going to make me happy. This doesn’t mean that I’ve stopped caring about other people, I just decided to stop ignoring what I want. When I did this I had this burst of happiness. The only way I can possibly explain it is to say it was as close to mania as I have ever been. I suddenly wanted to do everything all at once. I wanted to write, sing, draw, dance, run, and just laugh. I was the happiest I can remember being in a very long time.

The ironic part is that this all came about when I ended things with a guy I had been seeing for a year. I had changed myself so much so that he and I would have things in common that I had totally lost sight of who I was as a person. Initially when I ended it I was really sad (the typical post-break-up crying) but then it dawned on me that I was free to be who I wanted to be. I was free to listen to whatever music I wanted and what whatever movies I wanted and take part in whatever hobbies I wanted without someone criticizing me for it.

This was such a freeing experience. I mean, don’t get me wrong, I still missed him, but the good outweighed the bad. And it helps that he and I are still really good friends. He is still my best friend. So even though I’ve lost the romantic relationship, I’ve still held onto the friendship which was the most important part of the relationship from the very beginning.

What I’m trying to say is that even though things like a break-up can be really negative, it can also be a learning experience to reflect on. It is what you make it. Like I said before, I haven’t been this happy in a really long time. I haven’t hurt myself in days and my eating disorder does not have such a strong hold on me anymore. Even though I’m not recovered, I feel like I’ve made a huge step forward. I’ve started to live my life for myself and it feels amazing.

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