I’m sorry Grandma

I'm sorry Grandma

Do you ever wonder what your loved ones who have passed away would think about who you have become? Today while I was cleaning my room I came across a bracelet that was given to me when my grandma passed away. I was only a few months old when she died so I have no memories of her. I have a few pictures of her holding me as a baby so at least I know what she looked like, but I really wish I had of been able to get to know her. My Dad tells me stories about his childhood with her, about how she was so loving and would have spoiled me. He tells me she loved me very much. But I can’t help but wonder what she would think of me if she was watching me from heaven right now.
I’m not a very religious person but I feel like there is something after death. Sometimes I wonder if my loved ones are watching me. It always seems to happen when I do something that I am not particularly proud of. The last time it happened was the also the last time I cut myself really bad. After I did it I felt ashamed. I wondered what my grandma would think of me if she was watching me. It makes me want to cry to think about it. I want her to be proud of me, I want her to see the best in me. I can’t help but think that I’m not living up to my potential.
It might sound silly because I don’t worry so much about what my living family thinks. But the difference is that I can keep the secret from them. However, its impossible to know if my departed relatives are watching or not because I can’t actually see them. Some people might think I’m crazy for even thinking that there is a remote possibility that someone is watching me, but surely there are others who will understand.
So Grandma, if you can see me and you are reading this, I am sorry. I am sorry for what I have done to myself. I am sorry for what I have become. One day I hope I will get better. I love you. Always always and forever.

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3 thoughts on “I’m sorry Grandma

  1. relaxdamit says:

    What you are experiencing does not define you! Those of us struggling with mental illness are still individuals who love and need to be loved. Your Grandmother might not have understood what you are going through but I believe it would never have changed her love for you. You are not alone no matter how dark things seem to be.

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