Just listen

Lately I’ve been feeling like nobody really understands me, nobody really knows me. Because of this, I felt lonely and desperate to be honest. So I told my best friend about everything that has been going on. About the eating disorder, about the cutting, about everything. I was expecting him to be really upset but he was actually really comforting. But I don’t feel better. In fact, I feel worse. I feel humiliated. I feel weak. I feel so ashamed of myself for everything that I’ve done. I thought o would feel relieved after getting everything out in the open but I only feel worse. And now I’m afraid to even see my friend. I know he won’t treat me differently but I don’t know how to act around him anymore. I feel naked, exposed. I’m so used to hiding everything and I don’t feel comfortable with the idea that he knows the secrets that I’ve hidden.
He told me that he noticed the signs so it wasn’t a complete surprise, but even still I don’t know how I can face him. Is this humiliation normal? I don’t know how to accept his support when all I want to do is push him away. How can I let someone else love me when I can’t even love myself?

Advertisements

4 thoughts on “Just listen

  1. abstemious2eternity says:

    I think it’s normal. I generally hate honesty and transparency because it leaves me feeling vulnerable and exposed. However, I also think that it’s a healthy thing to engage in (with the right people) and this person sounds like a good support for you. It will probably be uncomfortable for you for a while, and maybe you can even tell him how you’re feeling about him knowing. My experience is that after a while of someone knowing something, I start to relax and feel more at ease. I hope all goes well for you.

  2. Anajmb26 says:

    It is completely normal to feel like you do. When we struggle with these things we feel crazy and weak and sick and repulsive along with a long list of other things. But it is true what they say our secrets make us sick. It’s scary to be open and vulnerable because we fear they will reject us as we have rejected ourselves…. But the truth is no one will ever hate us as much as we hate ourselves! I am sorry it feels so scary but if he is a good friend then you will find eventually the release you were looking for in telling someone. Right now that is hidden by your fears. And perhaps a text or email saying how you feel and what fears you expressed here will help him understand what’s going on with you right now. Even in a moment of boldness say I know I feel weak and vulnerable and I will most likely try to push you away but please don’t let me. No matter what. It might help him understand a bit better. We secret keepers are good at what we do and good at keeping people out of the inner chambers of our hearts and until we heal some we will push people away because it is safer then our fear that they will leave us because of our false sense of ugliness.
    I am proud you spoke out! I know it might not feel like it right now but that was a HUGE step in the right direction and took a lot of guts! So give yourself some grace! Keep pushing forward❤️❤️❤️❤️

    • for3v3rchanging says:

      Thank you so much. I really appreciate your kind words. I feel better knowing that someone understands how I feel. Thank you so much for that peace of mind!

      • Anajmb26 says:

        So many out here understand and struggle the same too… So keep going you light the way for others to understand they are not alone!😊😊

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s