The waiting game is always the hardest part. I’ve been anxiously awaiting the results of my assessment since the moment I finished them. I wish I could just know. I wish my follow-up appointment had been sooner. Only 22 hours left of the waiting game though.
I feel like I should be nervous (and I probably will be tomorrow) but at this point it will just be a relief to know without a doubt whether I have a diagnosable disorder. I just need to know. I guess that’s half the battle. They say that the first step to recovery is admitting you have a problem. I disagree. I think the first step (for me anyway) is having the problem confirmed by a medical professional. It’s like I know that I have a problem, but I can’t admit it to anyone until I know for sure. I can’t even admit it to myself. I’ve tried but I always second guess myself with the “what if’s”.
So tomorrow will be the day. I’m already assuming that I have a disorder. There is no doubt in my mind. In fact, I’ve pretty much already self-diagnosed. But, as I’m not a medical professional, I don’t trust my own diagnosis. That being said, if I go to the appointment tomorrow and they tell me that I don’t have a diagnosable disorder I will probably not be happy. Most people would think this is crazy because who WANTS to be sick, right? But it’s not a matter of figuring out IF I’m sick. I already know I’m sick. That’s obvious from the cuts on my wrist and my obsession with losing weight and my panic attacks. What I need to know is what I’m sick with. I feel like I need to know this in order to get better.
It might seem sort of strange but I think I might feel disappointed if the doctor tells me that I don’t have a diagnosable disorder. It’s like if they can’t diagnose me then I’m not really sick enough to warrant treatment. It would almost be a challenge. If they don’t diagnose me, then I haven’t pushed myself hard enough.
This is basically the thought process that has been going through my mind for the entire day. It won’t stop until my appointment is over.
I just need to know.