Awaiting a Diagnosis

The waiting game is always the hardest part. I’ve been anxiously awaiting the results of my assessment since the moment I finished them. I wish I could just know. I wish my follow-up appointment had been sooner. Only 22 hours left of the waiting game though.

I feel like I should be nervous (and I probably will be tomorrow) but at this point it will just be a relief to know without a doubt whether I have a diagnosable disorder. I just need to know. I guess that’s half the battle. They say that the first step to recovery is admitting you have a problem. I disagree. I think the first step (for me anyway) is having the problem confirmed by a medical professional. It’s like I know that I have a problem, but I can’t admit it to anyone until I know for sure. I can’t even admit it to myself. I’ve tried but I always second guess myself with the “what if’s”.

So tomorrow will be the day. I’m already assuming that I have a disorder. There is no doubt in my mind. In fact, I’ve pretty much already self-diagnosed. But, as I’m not a medical professional, I don’t trust my own diagnosis. That being said, if I go to the appointment tomorrow and they tell me that I don’t have a diagnosable disorder I will probably not be happy. Most people would think this is crazy because who WANTS to be sick, right? But it’s not a matter of figuring out IF I’m sick. I already know I’m sick. That’s obvious from the cuts on my wrist and my obsession with losing weight and my panic attacks. What I need to know is what I’m sick with. I feel like I need to know this in order to get better.

It might seem sort of strange but I think I might feel disappointed if the doctor tells me that I don’t have a diagnosable disorder. It’s like if they can’t diagnose me then I’m not really sick enough to warrant treatment. It would almost be a challenge. If they don’t diagnose me, then I haven’t pushed myself hard enough.

This is basically the thought process that has been going through my mind for the entire day. It won’t stop until my appointment is over.

I just need to know.

Ayla

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4 thoughts on “Awaiting a Diagnosis

    • Ayla_xo says:

      Yes I just started seeing someone last month. so far though the sessions are making Mr more stressed and anxious, not less. I guess its easier to ignore a problem than to face it head on…

  1. maridreamwalker says:

    I agree. The not knowing and yet knowing, somewhere inside and having to wait is the hardest. Thank you again for your courage to share your journey and your willingness to educate others. I kindly invite you to visit my blog, as well. Looking forward to a creative exchange.

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