General rule of thumb: Don’t tell people they will get fat if they eat *fill in the blank*

I’ve been doing okay lately with my eating and today I decided I would go outside of my regular strict diet and have two timbits. I mentioned that I was going to Tim Hortons to one of my co-workers in passing and she said “if you eat timbits you will get fat”. I wanted to tell her to shut the fuck up. I wanted to tell her that my weight is none of her concern.

The sad part is that this isn’t even the first time she has commented on my food. She comments on what I am eating at least twice a week. If I am eating vegtables than I MUST be anorexic (wrong) but if I’m eating *god forbid* TWO WHOLE TIMBITS than I am going to turn into a cow (wrong again).

Its funny because the topic of eating disorders has come up at work over lunch 3 times in the last week and my co-workers all make snide comments and jokes about it. I just sit there quietly listening to everything that they say about it and thinking to myself that they don’t even realize that they are sitting with someone who has an eating disorder at that very moment. But that is the nature of an eating disorder; it truly is an invisible illness.

But back to the incident today, the girl that I work with is from a very traditional upbringing so she and I disagree about a lot of things. She asserts that you MUST get married before having kids so that the man cannot leave the woman (cuz no guy on the face of this planet has ever left a woman once the ring is on his finger, right?). She insists that marriage is not a personal choice, but an inevitable part of life. When I say that its my decision whether I want to get married she says I’m young and naive. Umm…did I mention that she is younger than me?

The point of this is not to bash her beliefs, but rather to point out that I can tolerate most of her annoying biased opinions. But she crossed the line today. She had no right to say what she said. It is none of her business what I eat. And she is such a hypocrite because she then turned around and bought herself timbits so I guess she’s immune to getting fat but I’m not.

Needless to say, this is not the sort of thing that someone who is suffering from an eating disorder wants to here. As if I’m not already obsessed with my weight. As if I’m not already counting calories. As if I don’t already hate my body enough already.

I just can’t tolerate it when people say things like “you’re going to get fat if you eat that” because in all honesty its none of their DAMN business if I get fat in the first place.

And that’s my rant for the night folks. Thanks for reading!!

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Eating disorder disclosure: harder than I thought

I messed up. I tried to tell my best friend about my diagnosis of bulimia yesterday and it didn’t go over well. It started out well. I actually managed to say “I was diagnosed with Bulimia Nervosa” and waited a whole TWO seconds before back-pedaling and providing her with excuses for why the diagnosis must be wrong. The list of reasons looked something like this:

-I’ve NEVER made myself throw up. Like ever.
-I’m a normal weight.
-I restrict my calories sometimes, but who doesn’t, right? And I mean I don’t do it ALL the time. So I’m fine.
-Did I mention that I’ve never made myself throw up? Because I haven’t.
-My doctor weighed me and he said I’m at a healthy weight. So I’m fine. Really.
-You’re my best friend, you of all people would know if I had an eating disorder. I mean come ON, you know me way better than my psychologist. And I mean, its not like she’s a psychiatrist so can she REALLY diagnose me?

The conversation went on for about twenty minutes. The sad thing is that she actually believed me. She went along with every excuse I provided. Even provided me with more fuel for my fire. “I know you” she said. “If you had an eating disorder, I would know about it. You do NOT have bulimia my dear”.

We just laughed it off. It wasn’t until she said “you’ve never even had body image issues. You’re not one of those girls” that it really clicked. I was lying through my teeth to my best friend. Because the truth is that I AM one of those girls. I have bulimia. And I lied to my best friend. And now I don’t know how to tell her.

The expression on her face when I initially said that I had been diagnosed with bulimia was a look of pure “what the fuck are you talking about”. It was a look of utter disbelief. I think that’s what set me off. I was afraid that she wouldn’t believe me. I was afraid of what she would think of me when she found out what I have done to myself.

I’m seeing her again tomorrow and I really want to tell her but I don’t know how. I don’t want her to be mad that I lied to her. I don’t want her to think that I’m saying it to get attention. I don’t want her to treat me differently. But most of all I don’t want her to pressure me to change.

Someone please help me. I need advice. How do I tell my friend that I lied? How do I tell her that all of those excuses are just based on stereotypes? How do I tell my best friend that I am bulimic?

The important question: Do you like you?

I saw this video today and I was absolutely astonished by the message. It seems like such a straight forward message, but at the same time, my own body image got so bad that I developed bulimia. It really made me stop and think when I heard the lyrics “Why should you care, what they think of you? When you’re all alone, by yourself, do you like you? Do you like you?” because honestly the answer is no. I don’t like my appearance, I don’t like that I have an eating disorder, I don’t like that I have PTSD, I don’t like a lot of things about myself. This song really made me stop and think about how hard I am on myself. Why should I define myself by the standards of beauty of a corrupt society? Why should I care what strangers think of me? Why should I sacrifice my health for the perpetuation of an unrealistic standard of beauty?

I really like the message in this song because it inspired me to question the ways that I see myself. I still don’t like my appearance, there’s no doubt about that. But it would be unrealistic for a song to just completely change how I see myself. Instead, this song made me stop and think about WHY I don’t like these parts of myself. It was definitely an eye opener and it might help others who are struggling with body dissatisfaction and eating disorders.

xo

Ayla

Demi changed my life

As if I needed one more reason to love Demi Lovato, this interview has completely inspired me. I would love to say that I am now dedicated to recovery, but this isn’t the case. On the contrary, this interview with Demi has helped me recognize that I AM sick, that I DO have a legitimate disorder, and that it is okay to have my struggles.

Demi’s openness and honesty about her struggles over the years has been a constant reminder that I can get better and that one day I will be okay. It might not be today, but someday I will get better. Someday I will beat this horrible disease.

My struggles with bulimia have left me feeling outcast, isolated, and worthless. I felt as if I did not deserve happiness. I felt like nobody truly understood who I was and who I am as a person. I have struggled with internally-directed anger as a result of feeling so alone due to my own self-inflicted isolation. I can’t let anyone in without risking a loss of control or some form of intervention, but I can’t truly be happy until I recover.

I have often felt lost and listless, as if I am simply going through the motions of life without truly living. I have convinced myself that I will only be worthy of love if I lose more weight. After all, how could someone possibly look past the horrible flaws in my appearance to see what lies beneath? And even if they did, would anyone want to love someone who is so clearly self-destructive?

These are the kinds of thoughts that have driven me time and time again to restrict my food intake to the point of starvation until I finally felt so hopeless that I would throw myself into a binge only to feel disgusting and force myself to purge soon after. It’s a cycle that I find myself unable to break. It’s a cycle that I felt alone in until hearing Demi’s story. Demi has opened my eyes to the fact that I am not alone and that it IS possible to move past this. Even though I am not ready for recovery yet, it is still comforting to know that all is not lost.

I know that recovery may be an even greater struggle than even the eating disorder itself, but one day I hope that I will find the strength to heal.

Demi, if you ever read this, thank you so much for sharing your story. You have no idea how much it has meant to me to have someone I can look up to who can always make me feel less alone. Even though I have never met you, I feel like you know me better than most of the people in my life. You understand my struggles because you have been through them yourself. You are more than just a celebrity to me, you are a role-model. You are a beautiful person inside and out and I am so grateful that you have shared your story with the world.

Stay strong.

Xo

Ayla

I love Katy Perry But…

I love Katy Perry but…her song entitled “Ur so gay” is a little unsettling. I mean, the first line of the song is “I hope you hang yourself with your H&M scarf”. And if that’s not enough, then the lyrics “you’re so gay and you don’t even like boys” are a little pro-homophobia.
This is not to say that Katy Perry is homophobic, I’m just saying that by using the term “gay” as if it is an insult, she is inadvertently promoting homophobia. Her use of the term is derogatory and meant to be an insult. While she is not the first to use the term in this respect—I mean, if I had a dollar for every time I heard “your so gay” used as an insult, I would be rich—but that doesn’t excuse the usage of the lyrics in her song.
I’ve always had tremendous respect for Katy Perry for staying true to herself and doing whatever she wants despite the backlash she might receive, but this is definitely one of those things that makes me embarrassed to say that I am a Katy Perry fan. I love her music, but I can’t stand behind the homophobia that is present in this song.

101 Followers! Thank you!

I woke up this morning to find that I had reached 101 followers! This brightened my day so much!! I want to say thank you to everyone who has followed my blog and supported my cause. Thank you so much! I truly appreciate you!

Book Review: “Between”

For anyone who is a lover of reading like me, I would highly recommend that you read “Between” by Jessica Warman It deals with mental illness-related issues and it is particularly good at demonstrating how life stresses can lead to an eating disorder.

I would also recommend any of Jessica Warman’s novels to you as she is a talented writer with some great books available. If you’re looking for some fresh content to read you should definitely consider her books!