Lately I’ve been reflecting on how much I let people get to me when they judge me. But then I realized, they don’t know me. They don’t know who I am or what I’ve been through or how circumstances have impacted my actions.
I realize that some of my decisions may come across as cruel and extremist to people who do not understand my whole story, and in the past it bothered me when people would pass judgement on me. And the hardest part is that it is not just people who don’t know me on a personal level, but it is also my immediate family members and extended family who are judging me. And even though I really want them to understand why I have made the decision to cut certain people out of my life, I cannot bring myself to let them in on the whole story. I feel as though anyone who has the audacity to judge me without knowing all the facts doesn’t really deserve to know my story.
Not many people know that I was sexually abused for 2 years. Not many people understand that I was emotionally abused for the majority of my life. Nobody knows that I once watched my brother hold a knife to his throat and threaten to kill himself. Very few people in my life know that I have been on an emotional roller-coaster as my family has repeatedly fallen apart and come back together again, each time shattered into more and more fragments. Even fewer of the people in my life know that these events have lead to the development of an eating disorder, and anxiety disorder, post-traumatic stress disorder, and a panic disorder.
I have only recently decided to try and let go of the self-hate that I feel when other people judge me for cutting toxic people put of my life. They don’t know my story and they certainly don’t understand that I have good reasons for doing what I am doing. I am trying to become a mentally stable and healthy person. I am trying to overcome my illnesses and the only way to do that is to remove myself from the damaging environment and people that have caused the development of so many of my issues.
I learning to let go of the weight of the world and focus on me. I need to focus on reaching a healthy and stable point in my own life without regard for what others might think of me. Because the fact of the matter is, “the people who matter won’t mind, and the people who mind don’t matter” ~Dr. Suess.