This week has been really hard. The withdrawal from anti-depressants has left me feeling nauseous, moody, irritable, sad, anxious, paranoid, and lonely. I felt like I had nobody there for me so I decided to turn to one of my close friends for support. Big mistake. All I wanted was someone to talk to and my friend basically made me feel like the scum of the earth.
I keep telling myself that I need to forget about it and move on. After all, anyone who makes me feel that way isn’t worth my time right? But the thing is that this person is the only person who knows everything that I’m going through. This person has been there for me when nobody else has. I don’t want to move on and lose this friendship, but I really need someone who isn’t going to try to tear me down when I’m already dealing with a lot.
On top of the most recent dispute I’ve already been having negative feelings towards this person because they have recently stopped having anything to do with me. It was like one minute we were inseparable and the next they had lost interest in me. This person only ever talks to me now when they need something.
I know that all of these things are a sign that we are growing apart and that I should really just forget about it, but I can’t move on. I feel like I’m going through a breakup. We were so close and now I feel like I have been abandoned.
My emotions are so out of control. Until recently I had been self-harm free for two months. Since this big blow up though I am ashamed to admit that I slipped back into old habits. Its like I’ve completely lost control of my life just because of one person.
I feel like I can never trust anyone. I didn’t know it was possible for someone to upset me this much but I really just don’t know how to handle these emotions.
I probably wont see or hear from this person for the next month now but once school starts again I will be seeing them all the time. I don’t want to be immature and cut them out (and I don’t know if I could actually do it anyway because I miss this person so much after only 2 days of fighting) but at the same time I don’t want to have any toxic relationships right now, or ever for that matter. I’m trying to recover from so much emotional damage right now that I can’t risk having someone in my life that can tear me down in only a matter of minutes. I need people in my life that will build me up not tear me down.
I just don’t know how to let go of someone who has been there for me for so long. But if I can’t trust them then its not really worth the effort of holding on.
I just don’t know what to do.