Looking back and moving forward

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There was a time when this would literally be all I would eat in a day. That’s less than 100 calories. Its crazy to think about now, and I really have no idea how I got to that point, but it seems impossible now. It seems strange to me that I’m in treatment for an eating disorder because I eat regular amounts of food (if not more). I feel like I don’t need to go to treatment because I’m eating. But then I have to catch myself because I still have the urges to restrict. I still have terrible body image. I still want to achieve an unrealistic weight.
I have a therapy appointment in an hour and today we are reviewing my food diary for the last week. The idea of it makes me sick. I absolutely HATE being monitored and I am terrified of the idea of letting someone see how much food I have eaten. For a “normal” person, it might seem normal to eat a regular amount of food. For me, it causes me to feel shame, embarrassment, and disgust. I feel like I’m lying to myself about having an eating disorder. I mean, after all, how can I have an eating disorder when I eat a normal amount of food?
But again, I have to catch myself. The very fact that I do not think that I have an eating disorder despite my obvious aversion to food is proof that I do in fact still have an eating disorder. And if I’m completely honest, I’m sort of glad. I don’t want to let go of the control. It sounds messed up but its so true. I can’t explain it because I don’t totally understand it myself, but I just really need to hold onto it.
Being diagnosed with bulimia has actually really helped in my recovery process though. The gratification that I get when I am told that I have bulimia is a reminder that I still have control. I feel like if someone told me that I don’t have bulimia anymore I would work twice as hard to prove them wrong. Again, I don’t understand why. It just is what it is.
Overall I’m technically healthier now, at least physically. I’m still facing a lot of mental health issues but I’m hoping that if I just stick with therapy it will get better. Some days I really just want to stop, but I also want to make sure that nobody else ever has the chance to force me into anything. If I go to therapy willingly then I have the control. Nobody else. Control is everything right now.

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