Today I had a terrifying experience. Today I came very close to a fatal accident.
My day started off like any other with my usual morning routine and an hour long drive to school. The drive to school is usually a relaxing experience for me because it gives me time to myself to just listen to music and think. But today was different. Today a woman decided to change lanes without checking her blind spot. Today my car horn did not work. Today I was forced to swerve into another lane at 120km per hour in a panic. Today my car fishtailed out of control and nearly collided with a cement barrier at 120km per hour. Today I came within a few feet of death. Today my life flashed before my eyes.
It sounds so cliche but in that moment I was terrified; I honestly thought “this is it, I’m going to die”. I was saddened at the thought that my life was going to end in such a tragic way; I’ve always thought that the death of young people in car accidents is terrible because it is so unexpected. It happens so fast. The experience was so terrifying but it opened my eyes to something: I don’t want to die.
I’ve barely had a taste of life. I have yet to experience so much of what the world has to offer. I want to LIVE. I want to get married and buy a house and start a career and travel the world and grow old with the people that I love.
Lately I have been struggling a lot with my anxiety and panic disorder and it sadly got to the point where I was having suicidal thoughts. It was not so bad as actually thinking about HOW I would do it, it was just empty thoughts about having nothing to live for. I kept thinking that there was nothing to look forward to and that there really was no reason for me to stick around. The emotional pain I was and still am feeling had gotten to the point where I was cutting on a regular basis again. I was slipping back into my bulimia. I was having panic attacks on an almost daily basis. I didn’t know what to do.
Today I realized that I was wrong. There is so much to live for, so much to be thankful for, so much potential for my future. I want to live and be happy and fight through all of my hardships because I will become stronger.
I will not say that I am happy that the incident happened today (in fact, if I ever met the woman that cut me off I would certainly give her a lesson on checking her blind spot) but it did open my eyes to the fact that deep down I really dont want to die.
This is something that many people take for granted, but if you ever suffer from a mental illness and you reach a certain level of hopelessness, it becomes extremely difficult to fight off suicidal thoughts. As terrifying as that may seem, its the truth. While I can honestly say I dont think I would ever actually act on the thoughts, it is still terrifying to have such thoughts. I just really hope I can overcome the thoughts in the future because I really do have so much to live for.