Sometimes letting go is the right thing to do but that doesn’t mean it will be easy

Today is the first day in 3 days that I have been able to even begin thinking about expressing how I feel right now. 3 days ago I lost my trust in my best friend. 3 days ago my heart was shattered into a million irreparable pieces. I lost all hope in ever finding anyone who could love me for who I am and support me through all of my struggles. I was lead on my the person who swore he would never hurt me. But it’s my fault; I fell for the same trap again. 

1 year ago I swore I would never let him back in my life. 

7 months ago I promised I wouldn’t put myself through it again.

4 months ago I swore once again to never let him in.

1 month ago I told myself that I deserved someone who did not make me feel horrible about myself. 

11 days ago I told myself I would show him that I don’t need him. 

6 days ago I let him back in with the promise that I would be safe with him. He would always be there for me. 

3 days ago I cried myself to sleep for the hundredth time because of him. 

I never learn.

I don’t understand how I can keep putting myself through this. I don’t understand how I can so easily forget all the pain that he has put me through. I don’t see how I could possibly allow myself to take him back OVER and OVER despite the fact that it always ends horribly for me. I mean, I must have some seriously terrible self-esteem to keep taking him back. How could I be so dumb as to fall for the same lines, the same deceivingly protective embrace, the same deceptively honest eyes?

I get so frustrated with myself because every single time I always promise myself to never go for it again but then I always end up telling myself that I won’t get emotionally attached this time; it will be different THIS time. As if. 

So 6 days ago I gave him another chance thinking that maybe, just maybe this time would be the one. He would FINALLY realize that I am the one for him. Instead, I ended up relapsing into my self-harm because of the amount of emotional pain that I am in. 

And the worst part is that he KNOWS about all of the shit that I’m going through. He KNOWS that I suffer from an eating disorder and self-harm so you’d think he would stop messing with my head! But no! Its like he uses it to his advantage and strikes when I’m most vulnerable. 

He knows that he is the only person who I want to talk to when I am upset. He knows that he is the only person who I have confided all of my secrets in. He knows that I trust him with all of my heart. He knows that I love him. he knows that if he tells me that he loves me then I will cave. He knows my weaknesses and he plays with them. 

So once again I am making a promise to myself. I promise that I will NEVER give him another opportunity to break my heart. I will never give him another chance to betray my trust because I will never trust him in the same way ever again. No matter how much it hurts to lose him I will be strong and hold my head high. I will move on. I will be independent and find strength in myself. 

Because of him I have lost sight in myself. Its time to take back confidence and self-assurance that he took away from me. 

This time, I promise I won’t give up on myself. I can be everything I am meant to be without him. 

 

Starting today, I will be strong.

xo

Ayla

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