Break ups, moving on, and music therapy

Recently, I’ve been dealing with the ending of a relationship and its been really hard. I use the term “relationship” really loosely because he was not my boyfriend. He was more of an on-again-off-again companion that was definitely more than a friend but never an official partner. It lasted 2 years but neither one of us was interested in a commitment and that was okay. But now he has decided that he is interested in someone else and I can’t really blame him for it or begrudge him.

The truth is that I love him with all my heart and I want him to be happy. If I am not the best person to make him happy then I don’t want to hold him back. What hurts is the fact that I’ve lost the one person who knew me inside out. He knew my story and he accepted me despite my troublesome past. He loved me even when nobody else was there. When I needed someone to hold me he was there. He was the first person to know about my childhood trauma and he is to this day one of only 6 people who know about it (3 of whom are medical practitioners).

Long story short, he was basically the only person that I ever trusted with everything. I trusted him with my deepest darkest secrets and he helped me through. He encouraged me to seek out help and he is really the reason that I finally decided to see a counselor. He is the reason that I finally got the help that I needed. But now he is gone.

When it ended I thought we would be able to go back to just being close friends but its just not like that at all. Its like he has completely cut me off. It almost seems like he doesn’t want anything to do with me. In fact, the way that he has been acting of late has really made me question whether or not he really truly accepted me for who I am.

He know that I am really struggling right now. I’ve relapsed into disordered eating habits, self-harm, panic attacks, and anxiety. I used to go to him for comfort and support when I was dealing with a lot but now I can’t. Its like he doesn’t have time or interest in helping me. I don’t really understand it because he promised that he would always be there no matter what, he promised he would always love me as a friend. And now it just feels like those were empty promises.

It took me 3 years to build my trust and now I just want to shut him out completely. It isn’t even the fact that we are no longer romantically involved that is bothering me so much, its the fact that he won’t even talk to me anymore. What I need right now more than anything else in the world is someone to talk to who will understand my struggles and support me. And its not even like he is the only one who is not there for me right now. My so-called “best friend” of 8 years started dating someone less than a week ago and since then she has told me that “[she] can’t be [my] distraction right now”. In actuality, I wasn’t looking for a distraction, I was crying for help. I needed someone to talk to because I was having self-harm urges. One of the coping techniques I have learned is to talk to someone when I have those urges and she is one of the people that I would usually go to. But last night she told me she doesn’t have time for me. I cut. It’s stupid, but I was already upset and then to have my “best-friend” reject me like that in favor of a guy shes been with for a week was just the tip of the metaphorical ice berg. I lost control. I had nobody to turn to.

I’ve been in so much pain and since I’ve had nobody to turn to, I’ve started listening to really emotional music. “My Immortals” by Evanescence is one of the most emotional songs that I can think of and this cover of the song is so emotionally sung that it actually breaks my heart. It is painful to listen to because it makes me feel so much anger and sadness and hopelessness, but it really helps because it is an outlet. It’s a poor replacement for the support that I used to find in my friends, but its something I guess.

I don’t know where to go from here, all I know is “These wounds won’t seem to heal. This pain is just too real
There’s just too much that time cannot erase”.

xo

Ayla

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