Up until today I was able to hold myself together during my therapy sessions. Even when I recounted the traumatic events from my past, even when I had to talk about self harm, even when I had to talk about everything that is going on with my family, I never once cried. But today I just broke down. I didn’t even see it coming. I didn’t realize how upset I had been over the last few weeks until suddenly I was in a position to talk about it. I finally had someone who was willing to listen to me and it just came rushing out and I just couldn’t hold myself together anymore.
But now I’m really embarrassed because I hate crying in front of people. I hate being vulnerable and I hate letting people see how upset I actually am. I know that counselors are there to help and that they are not going to judge, but its still really hard for me. I don’t know how I’m going to face her for my next session. I feel so humiliated.
That said, it did help to get everything off my chest. She listened and understood how alone I felt and she gave me some advice about how I should let go of people in my life who cause more harm than good.
She also helped me to understand that some people hurt their friends unintentionally. Some friends are worth keeping even though they have made mistakes. You just have to give them a chance to redeem themselves. So thats what I’m trying to do, but it wont happen overnight. It might take some time to forgive and forget. But I know that I need support and its not going to help me at all if I keep pushing everyone away. Its just really hard to let my walls down.