Updates: Mental health journey to recovery

Today I had to go for a blood test to check all of my vitamins, blood sugar, and hormone levels to see how my body is doing since gaining weight. I hate being monitored like this (especially since I’m terrified of needles) but maybe it will allow me to stop having so many doctors visits. I’m hoping that my blood tests will come back normal since I have gained all of the weight back (its true what they say about regaining everything you lose by self-starvation -_-) and since I have been eating pretty normally.

I also have a therapy appointment tomorrow which I’m really nervous about. My psychologist has decided to shift the focus of my treatment from my eating disorder to my self-harm since I have unfortunately relapsed into that recently. I guess she feels like she needs to tackle whichever issue is the biggest threat at any given time and since I’m not in full-blown bulimia mode right now I guess she thinks its okay to try to work on something else. But to be totally honest I would really rather focus on my anxiety and panic disorders because I feel like those are the real underlying problems. My eating disorder is at its worst when I am really anxious and paranoid. My self-harm is at its worst when my life feels like it is falling apart. I feel like I need to learn how to handle my emotions, anxiety, and panic in order to help in my recovery from my eating disorder and self-harm. I understand where she is coming from since those issues are more of a threat to my health than my panic and anxiety, but I think it would be better to get the underlying problems sorted out.

I also still feel as though I would meet the criteria for Borderline Personality Disorder. I’ve done a lot of research and based on my analysis, I have enough of the symptoms to meet the criteria. At the time of my assessment my psychologist was not aware of my self-harm which is probably one of the reasons she did not consider BPD before, but I think it should be considered now. I kind of want to ask her about it but I don’t want her to think that I am looking for attention or trying to self-diagnose. I just need answers and I feel like maybe she missed something when she did my assessment initially.

The DSM dictates that an individual must demonstrate at least 5 (but it can be more) of the symptoms outlined as characteristics of BPD. In my case my symptoms include:

1. Frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment

2. A pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships

3. Identity disturbances (ie. poor body image)

4. self mutilating behavior

5. emotional/mood instability

6. Impulsivity

7. chronic feelings of emptiness

So I meet 7 of the 9 criteria. That puts me over the minimum criteria to be diagnosed with the illness. Again, I don’t want to self-diagnose, but I want to make sure that I am getting the right treatment to deal with my mental illnesses and in order for that to happen I need to make sure I have the right diagnosis.

What do you think I should do?

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