Looking back I realize that so much has changed

One of the tips that my psychologist gave me for dealing with my  low moods and depressive symptoms is to look back at how far I have come. While I may feel low in the moment, I have to admit that I have definitely come a long way in the last 6 months. Initially I was terrified of going to see a psychologist and starting therapy. I remember being so anxious for my first appointment that I was nearly in tears by the time she finally brought me into the room and sat me down.

My first session was hard; I had to be open and honest about everything that I was struggling with, a lot of which I didn’t even want to admit to myself let alone a stranger. I remember feeling scared, confused, and emotionally exhausted after my first appointment because it was the first time that I had ever really talked about what had happened to me as a child. But in the end, it was worth the initial shock because everything slowly started to improve.

When I started therapy I was having panic attacks regularly, self-harming almost every night, and my eating disorder was at the worst point I had ever reached. After a few sessions though my eating disorder became less prominent, the cutting all but stopped, and the panic attacks were much more manageable.

While I have recently relapsed into self-harm and my panic attacks have returned due to the stress of the last month, my eating disorder is still getting better. I am not completely recovered, but I am doing much better than I was when I started my therapy. Even though I have recently been dealing with a lot (which explains why I am feeling so stressed out right now), I have come so far from the self-loathing girl that I was 7 months ago before starting treatment. I am so thankful for everything that my psychologist has done for me and I will always be grateful for the hope that she has given me. While I am sad to see her leave, I am happy that her baby will have such a wonderful mother. She honestly changed my life.

When I think about the future I am terrified. As it is right now, it seems as though I may have no choice but to terminate my therapy as a result of a lack of coverage. I am scared about what this will mean for my recovery and for how I will deal with the stresses that I am facing in the next few months. I do not adapt to change well at all so I am anxious about the fact that I have to move out on my own for the first time in about 6-8 months. During the same time, I will be looking for my first “real” job after graduating from university. So there are a lot of major life changes headed my way and I am terrified that I will not be able to handle it.

That said, I am extremely proud of the progress that I have made over the last few months and until I have definite proof that I will have to terminate my therapy, I will try to remain optimistic about my future. Therapy has helped me come so far, I have to believe that I will continue to improve.

xo

Ayla

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