One of the tips that my psychologist gave me for dealing with my low moods and depressive symptoms is to look back at how far I have come. While I may feel low in the moment, I have to admit that I have definitely come a long way in the last 6 months. Initially I was terrified of going to see a psychologist and starting therapy. I remember being so anxious for my first appointment that I was nearly in tears by the time she finally brought me into the room and sat me down.
My first session was hard; I had to be open and honest about everything that I was struggling with, a lot of which I didn’t even want to admit to myself let alone a stranger. I remember feeling scared, confused, and emotionally exhausted after my first appointment because it was the first time that I had ever really talked about what had happened to me as a child. But in the end, it was worth the initial shock because everything slowly started to improve.
When I started therapy I was having panic attacks regularly, self-harming almost every night, and my eating disorder was at the worst point I had ever reached. After a few sessions though my eating disorder became less prominent, the cutting all but stopped, and the panic attacks were much more manageable.
While I have recently relapsed into self-harm and my panic attacks have returned due to the stress of the last month, my eating disorder is still getting better. I am not completely recovered, but I am doing much better than I was when I started my therapy. Even though I have recently been dealing with a lot (which explains why I am feeling so stressed out right now), I have come so far from the self-loathing girl that I was 7 months ago before starting treatment. I am so thankful for everything that my psychologist has done for me and I will always be grateful for the hope that she has given me. While I am sad to see her leave, I am happy that her baby will have such a wonderful mother. She honestly changed my life.
When I think about the future I am terrified. As it is right now, it seems as though I may have no choice but to terminate my therapy as a result of a lack of coverage. I am scared about what this will mean for my recovery and for how I will deal with the stresses that I am facing in the next few months. I do not adapt to change well at all so I am anxious about the fact that I have to move out on my own for the first time in about 6-8 months. During the same time, I will be looking for my first “real” job after graduating from university. So there are a lot of major life changes headed my way and I am terrified that I will not be able to handle it.
That said, I am extremely proud of the progress that I have made over the last few months and until I have definite proof that I will have to terminate my therapy, I will try to remain optimistic about my future. Therapy has helped me come so far, I have to believe that I will continue to improve.