I feel like I can’t keep up with my life right now. I thrive on stability and lately my life has been anything but stable. My family is moving four hours away, I am changing therapists this week, I am moving into my first apartment in a few weeks, university has become overwhelming, and I have just lost someone who was very important to me.
There is just too much change happening all at one. I’m overwhelmed and I feel like I’m losing control of my life. I’m stressed out all the time and I have no motivation to do the things that I used to enjoy. I have no appetite and even when I am hungry the thought of eating makes me feel repulsed. I just don’t know how to deal with so much change all at once. My parents are trying to make the transitions in my life easier, but even they don’t know about everything that is going on with me so I don’t think they realize how stressed out and anxious I actually am.
I feel exhausted all the time but I can’t sleep. My panic attacks have gotten a lot worse and a lot more frequent. I fear that my doctor will make me go back on medication when I see him in a few weeks. I know he thinks that they medication is the answer because it helps to control my symptoms, but I dont want to have to depend on pills for the rest of my life in order to be happy. I want to learn how to cope with life stresses in a better way. I want to be able to manage these emotions without losing control.
One of the things that terrifies me the most is moving into my first apartment. This scares me because it comes with so many responsibilities. There will be so many more bills to pay, so many more chores to do, so much more that I will have to balance. Not to mention the fact that I will be living four hours away from my parents who I have lived with for basically my whole life. The only exception to this was in my first year of studies when I managed to spend a whole 3 months living away for university but then I got really sick and I was in the hospital twice and I ended up moving home because I couldn’t handle living away from the familiarity of my home. But now I have no choice. I’m an adult and its time for me to be independent.
What if I get sick again? What if I relapse into my eating disorder? What if the anxiety becomes too much to handle? What if my panic disorder gets even worse? What if I can’t afford all of the bills? what if what if what if.
I keep going through all these horrible situations that could come up and I can’t help but worry that I wont be able to handle it. My therapist tells me that I have a tendency to underestimate my ability to cope with stressful situations, but I remember the horrible lonely sadness that I felt the last time I moved out. I hated life and all I wanted was to be at home. But the difference is that this time the change is permanent. I can’t come back here after I move out because this house will no longer be my home. I’m going to have to learn to deal with my new lifestyle even if I hate it. And that is a really scary thought, because I don’t want to hate my life.
I hate change because it takes me out of my comfort zone. Change can be stressful for anyone to deal with, but when you have anxiety and panic disorders it makes it so much worse. I’ve struggled with change for as long as I can remember. Even as a kindergartner I would have to go home from school frequently because I could not handle the change. My anxiety has always gotten the best of me. I don’t know how to handle it.
Does anyone else struggle with adjusting to life events and major changes? Do you have any advice for how I can overcome my anxiety about moving and how I can adapt to my new environment without having a complete mental breakdown and getting really sick?