It’s that time of year again: the holidays! While I love spending time with my family, seeing my relatives and just enjoying some time off from school and work, this also happens to be one of the most triggering times of the year. Everything is centered on huge meals which means huge amounts of calories. There are so many events this time of the year and every single one of them involves a meal.
To a non-disordered eater this might seem like just one more reason to enjoy the holidays; for me and probably every other person with an eating disorder this is on reason to HATE the holidays. There is no way around it: you either eat the food and feel horribly fat OR you don’t eat and you have to explain to your family that you have an eating disorder…which might just ruin the holidays, right? So there is really only one option (at least that’s how I see it).
It’s a tricky situation and it usually ends in a huge restriction period in January. After gaining a few pounds in December, my mind is overwhelmed with thoughts of dieting and I spend hours looking on pro-anorexia sites, tumblr blogs, and youtube videos searching for the lowest calorie foods and looking for thinspiring images to keep me going.
It’s a horrible cycle and one that I have difficulty getting out of. I’ve been really struggling with my eating disorder over the last few weeks and the holiday dinner that I have to attend in two hours is certainly not helping to make me feel any better. Over the course of the next week I have 3-4 Christmas dinners to attend followed by even more New Years parties and Dinners at the beginning of January.
I’m kind of scared for what January will bring when I finally move back to my apartment because I will be in complete control over what groceries I buy, how often I eat, and how much I eat. I won’t have any family members around keeping an eye on my weight and I wont have to try quite so hard to hide my caloric intake (or lack thereof) from anyone. This could spell disaster for me… I guess time will tell.
I’m definitely predicting a huge relapse in the next two weeks…