Merry Christmas and happy holidays everyone!!
This Christmas is a bit weird for me because it is my first Christmas that I will not be spending at my parent’s house with my whole family all together. My family is at that point where the kids have all grown up and moved out which means we’re all at different points in our lives.
For 364 days of the year I’m totally fine being independent and introverted and alone. I take pleasure in quiet alone time where I can do whatever I want. Admittedly, this usually means I’m either online talking to you lovely people or I have my nose stuck in a book. But then there’s Christmas day which is a traditionally family filled day. I love Christmas because it is a time when family comes together and the atmosphere is so cheerful and loving. But not this year.
This year the whole month of December has felt very lonely. I’ve been anxiously awaiting the arrival of Christmas with dread rather than excitement this year. Part of me still believes that my family blames me for the fall out of my abusers actions. I broke my silence about the abuse which means that I am the one responsible for the blaring tension and division of my family over the holidays.
I never thought I would be among the people who would come to hate the holidays, but this year I’ve spent so much time feeling isolated and alone and I hate the idea that this might be the reality of the holiday season for many years to come.
But it hasn’t been all bad. I went skating last week for the first time in years and even though I’m not very good at it, I still had fun. Additionally, I got to spend some time with a friend who I haven’t seen in 8 months yesterday which was really nice. And of course, we can’t forget about the promise of wonderful sales on boxing day! I look forward to that every year and while this will also be a solo adventure this year, I still plan to enjoy it.
I’m trying to focus on some positives to keep my spirits up even though the next few days are sure to be rough. I’ve even allowed myself to have a cup of hot chocolate even though it is strictly forbidden by the voice of my eating disorder. Today I need to pamper myself and show myself some love and self-care. I am my own source of stability. I will get myself through this.
For anyone else who is feeling lonely over the holidays, I’m sending you big hugs and lots of holiday cheer.