If there is one thing that my readers should know about me, it’s that I am a very critical thinker; I find hidden meanings in quotes, songs, images, and life experiences. One of my favorite quotes comes from Taylor Swift and states “she found herself and somehow that was everything”.
For Swift, the quote is pertaining to the breakup of a relationship. For me, the quote exists within the context of overcoming trauma and allowing myself to not be defined by my past experiences. When I heard this quote it was like a revelation for me; I don’t have to let the actions of others define who I am today, tomorrow, or even yesterday. I am so much more than a victim. I am a daughter, a sister, a fish-mommy to one beautiful little beta. I am a business woman, I am successful, I am creative. I am a singer, a guitarist, a song writer. I am so many wonderful things.
For years I let the experiences of my past label me as a victim. I let the actions of one person define my entire existence for so long. Even today I spend so much of my time thinking about the past and what would have been in another life if it had never happened. I defined myself only as a walking, talking illness; bulimic; cutter; depressed. But I am not those things. I have struggled with these things but my illnesses do not define my identity.
Over the past year I have come to see myself as so much more than I allowed myself to see. I finally discovered who I am outside of my traumatic past; I found myself and that was everything. Finding myself and redefining myself has changed my entire outlook on life. I am pursuing goals that I would not allow myself to even consider before. I am letting myself take chances even if there is a risk that I might not succeed. I am allowing myself to make mistakes without punishing myself with pain and endangering myself.
Finding myself has been one of the most inspiring and enlightening experiences of my life. It happened gradually and there were hard times along the way, but I made it. There was no “aha!” moment. There was no specific point in the past year where I could finally say that I had “found myself”, but I know that I have. It happened without me even consciously realizing it. But it happened. And that is everything.
She found herself. And somehow that was everything.