I love this image because it perfectly illustrates a quote that I found in a book entitled “reconstructing Amelia” by Kimberly McCreight. Essentially, the quote claims that it can be difficult to comprehend how big an issue really is until you’re already so far enmeshed in the problem that you can’t turn back…you’re already headed over the metaphorical waterfall.
For me, this makes me think about my eating disorder. In my mind, I look ahead to the next few weeks/months and see the bright, colourful rainbow of weight loss and loving my new, slimmer body. However, before I will ever get to that point, the waterfall pops up seemingly out of nowhere, destroying any chance of reaching that pot of gold on the other side of the rainbow. The “ideal body” is a myth that I’ve been chasing. The waterfall is the inevitable health consequences of an eating disorder.
As much as I hate to admit it–or even think about it–I can’t keep this behavior up forever. There will come a point in time when I will lose control, get lost in the rapids, get sucked into the waterfall.
Despite this looming threat of self-destruction, I can’t seem to stop myself. My fear of gaining weight is so great that even when I tell myself that I WANT to get better, I can’t seem to get there. I can’t seem to regain control over the disorder; the only thing I can control is the calories, the numbers, my weight. It’s terrifying and thrilling all at once.
My only hope is that going to therapy will help me learn to fight the rapids of my disorder. Maybe I can learn to swim against the current and fight harder than the disorder. Maybe I can save myself before I get sucked down the waterfall.
The alternative is too scary to think about.