What does an eating disorder feel like?

Bulimia. Anorexia. EDNOS. Call it whatever you want; but what does it feel like?

It feels like I have control.

It feels like I have no control.

It feels like I’m succeeding at SOMETHING.

If feels like I’m failing to live.

It feels like I’m chasing perfection.

It feels like hunger.

It feels like self-hate.

It feels like self-love is unrealistic and impossible.

It feels like I’m “just eating healthier”.

It feels like starvation.

It feels like progress.

It feels like I’m falling into a pit of despair.

It feels like nobody can save me from myself.

It feels like empowerment.

It feels like self-destruction.

It feels like I am shattered.

It feels like every calorie causes a war in my mind.

It feels like every piece of food is a life or death decision.

It feels like slow death.

It feels like feeling something is better than feeling nothing.

It feels like emptiness.

It feels like exhaustion no matter how many hours of sleep I get.

It feels like weakness.

It feels like strength.

It feels like will power.

It feels like self-starvation is the only logical choice.

It feels like lying to myself every single day.

It feels like isolation.

It feels like I am alone in this world.

It feels like nobody could possibly understand my pain.

It feels like my disorder is a choice even when I know it is a disease.

It feels like hopelessness.

It feels like the number on the scale is more important than health.

It feels like I am drowning.

It feels like every thought revolves around food.

It feels like cancelling plans because I am afraid that I will have to eat.

It feels like I am a disappointment to everyone who cares about me.

It feels like I am a disappointment to myself.

It feels like pain.

It feels like dizziness.

It feels like I am cold all the time.

It feels like my body is screaming for nourishment.

It feels like anger.

It feels like mood swings.

It feels like exceeding my calorie goal for the day will be the end of the world.

It feels like food is not fuel; it is a number.

It feels like reaching my ever-decreasing weight goal is the only light at the end of a dark tunnel.

It feels like no weight will ever be low enough.

It feels like weight gain is a threat.

It feels like shame.

It feels like thinking that weight loss will make me love myself but it never does.

It feels like hiding my body beneath layers and layers of baggy clothes to hide my disease from my family.

It feels like wishing someone would save me while simultaneously wanting to hide the illness.

It feels like starvation is the only way to cope with the pain.

It feels like starvation will solve problems but it only creates more.

It feels like guilt.

It feels like lies.

It feels like hate.

It feels like recovery is impossible.

It feels like an eating disorder.

Xo

Ayla

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s