After years and years of searching for the reasons why I am always stressed out I’ve come to the conclusion that I am one of those people who are inherently anxious. Everything makes me anxious. Everything stresses me out. I find myself needing to plan everything down to the last tiny detail in order to ward off my anxious thoughts and even then I feel the weight of stress heavy on my chest.
Even when it seems like I have everything going for me I find reasons to be anxious. Conversely, when it feels as though there are actually legitimate reasons to be stressed I go from my “resting anxiety level” to my “oh my gosh my life will be over if this does not get sorted out” stress level. Either way, I’m experiencing anxiety on some level 99.9% of the time. Even my dreams are anxious.
Currently, I am going through a phase of life in which I actually have legitimate reasons to feel stressed out. I’ve recently come to the end of an employment contract which has left me unemployed and financially stressed out. In fact, I’ve been so stressed out about this that I’ve had to resort to taking my panic attack medication (“chill pills” as my doctor calls them) to calm down, which is something I haven’t needed to do in almost a year.
Unemployment is inherently stressful for anyone I would assume, but it feels as though I am less capable of handling the stress than others in the same situation. The process of applying to 50+ jobs in a week stresses me out. Waiting for call backs stresses me out. Going to interviews stresses me out. Failing to be employed after multiple interviews stresses me out. Paying bills when I have no income stresses me out. Stress stresses me out!
It feels like everything is overwhelming and unmanageable and earth shattering. It feels so disheartening to look outside of my window and see that everyone else is continuing on with their daily lives while it feels like I am stuck in this rut. Unemployment has left me lonely, bored, and feeling like a failure. I have a university degree and yet I can’t even seem to find a minimum wage job. I haven’t been unemployed since I was fourteen years old. My self-worth is driven by my ability to succeed and my aspirations in life are for the most part career-oriented. To be unemployed feels as though I am on some level failing to achieve the one thing that I am actually good at.
Sitting at home watching endless amounts of Netflix seems like a good idea in theory, but to me it is torture. The idea of spending the next few weeks or months or however long unemployed seems like such a bleak outlook. I have no motivation to do the things that I enjoy. It’s a miracle that I’ve managed to write this blog post.
I’m trying to stay positive but it’s really hard. Spending weeks applying for jobs and going to interviews without success is disheartening. I’m not sure how I’m going to get through the next few months but I know that I have to get through it somehow. Grad school is waiting for me in September. My dream career is only two years away. I know I’ll make it through this, I always come out the other side. I just hope that I’m able to find a job soon. I need something to keep me busy over the summer and financially support me through grad school.
I hope this post wasn’t too much of a downer. Thanks for reading.